Anyone that knew Ian could tell that something was wrong with him. All of his usual friends had decided that he wasn't the person they thought he was. Ian hadn't seen any of them since the Masquerade. Well, he tried not to go out unless he had to. Most of the time Ian stayed in the dorm, not wanting to face the world that thought of him as the scum of the Earth. It wasn't that Ian was ashamed of what people thought of him. No- that didn't cover it. Ian was mostly ashamed that he believed them. He had spent most of his life being the happy-go-lucky boy that people loved to be friends with. Just when he had found someone he loved he had to go and ruin it in the worst way possible. It was a feeling of pure self loathing. Ian could tell anyone that he hated himself more than he had ever hated anyone or anything before. No one was there to smack some sense into him. Patch was God only knows were and probably with Theo if anything, which would be very awkward for Ian.

Ian walked slowly from his room in the dorm, closing the door behind him. Heaving a heavy sigh he pulled his hood up over his head. He wanted to get something to drink and maybe a snack. Ian hadn't had much of an appetite, but that wasn't unusual. He never pigged out all that much, but it had been less than usual. Moving toward the fridge Ian popped his neck uncomfortably. After a while of little to no physical activity the joints could really start aching. He wrapped his slender fingers around the handle of the fridge and pulled it open. Great. There was nothing to drink. That would be his luck. Ian sighed, shutting the door to the fridge, frustrated. He began to walk back toward his room when there was a soft knock that the door. At first Ian hadn't been so sure that it was even a knock. His eyes narrowed as he froze in place and turned to look at the door. There was another couple of knocks, a little louder than the first knock.

The sound was bone chilling. Ian couldn't think of who could be standing outside the door. Patch had a key and could get in without knocking, none of his friends thought he deserved to be in their presence, and he didn't think Jasper would want to talk to him so soon. Still, despite the fact that he didn't know if he should answer the door, Ian knew he didn't need to be so antisocial anymore, but a part of him just needed to be alone so that he could think about everything. But, instead of pretending like he wasn't there like he wanted to do, Ian turned on his heel and walked slowly to the door. Putting his hand on the door knob he debated opening it once more. He finally convinced himself to turn the knob. Ian lowered his head, the hood covering his eys that were focused on the floor. As he pulled the door open Ian lifted his head slowly.

Ian's breath caught in his throat as his dull blue eyes landed on Jasper. He hadn't thought Jasper would come to see him or even want to talk to him. The two of them hadn't necessarily broken up. It was more like a temporary separation until they could figure things out. The foundation of their relationship had been shaken pretty badly and Ian felt like it could be tilted either way at any moment. Well, he figured one way over the other, but the part of him that was still optomistic wanted to believe there was a chance for the good direction. He didn't smile, which made him feel bad. Ian was glad to see Jasper, but he didn't feel it inside him to show it. He still couldn't believe that Jasper was the one that had knocked on the door. The realization hit Ian like a brick was thrown into his face. There was one reason that Ian could think of that Jasper would be coming to his room and that was if it was decision time.

"Hey," Ian said, his voice barely a whisper. He moved aside, mostioning for Jasper to walk on in if he wanted. Reaching up, Ian pulled his hood down, revealing more of his face. "Come on in." He added quickly. Ian looked down, unsure of how to react to Jasper. He would just have to wait for the other boy to make a move before he did anything or said anything else. The awkward feeling was just too much for Ian. Jasper was a huge part of him that he didn't want to lose. But the growing feeling in his stomach told him that it was very possible and that scared the shit out of Ian. He loved Jasper. It didn't seem possible in such a short time, but hoenstly, Ian had to wait for quite a while for the cynic to warm up to him to begin with.

There hadn't been any other time that Ian had felt so strongly about someone. The thing with Theo had been a huge mistake. Ian had tried to explain as best he could to Jasper, but he wasn't sure that he had put it into words correctly. Ian wasn't good with words he was good with art and lately Ian had completely refused to paint. He explained to his art teacher that he would paint again when the inspiration was back. But whether or not the inspiration would come depended on a number of things. All Ian could hope for was that he wouldn't just flunk out of Balderman. Janice would be disappointed and Ian could only think of what Randall would say. Thinking about that only made Ian think of Taylor. He hadn't been playing with the boy much lately and it made Ian feel guilty.

Then again, a lot of things had been making Ian feel guilty. It was something that he should be used to.

---

word count: 1053
status: jasper
music: into the ocean by blue october
ooc: :[ awww

The moment had been awkward, that was for sure. There was a split second where he had caught Jasper's eyes, but he didn't even try to read what might be hiding behind them. For one second there was the crooked smile that Ian loved so much, but as soon as Jasper looked down the hall it was gone. Jasper seemed to make himself right at home. Ian didn't mind that, but it made things more difficult. He didn't understand how Jasper could appear so confident. Maybe it was just the fact that Ian had spent most of his time being a nervous, self-hating wreck. Ian allowed Jasper to walk ahead of him. Wherever Jasper felt comfortable. There would be no way for Ian to feel comfortable. Not until he knew that everything was going to be okay. He had been so on edge, wondering when Jasper would decided to end it after hearing enough from a couple of their mutual friends that he should end it. Ian was sure that most of them would not hold back that kind of advice.

Finally following Jasper his heart sunk even lower, if that were at all possible. Jasper just had to want to go into his bedroom. Ian took a moment to group himself together. He remembered the last time the two of them were in there together... the painting, the fireworks, the sweet kisses, and even roscoe... it had been so amazing to spend time with Jasper. Not to mention that had been the start of their relationship. Ian was just so afraid the it would be the end of it this time. He didn't want Jasper to leave him. It was selfish, but he didn't. Ian didn't want to think about the possibility of that happening. Jasper was his lifeline at Balderman. If there was no Jasper in his life, well, Ian wasn't sure what he would do, but it probably wouldn't be all that pretty. As Ian gathered the courage to walk into the room he saw Jasper sitting on his bed. Ian decided that he would stand.

Leaning against the wall Ian glanced over to the far corner where most of his painting supplies used to be. Roscoe was curled into a little ball, sleeping on one of Ian's old jackets that he had given up for the little fella to sleep on. When Jasper said his name it seemed like Jasper was getting ready to deliver his life sentence. But Ian listened nonetheless Ian was sincerely surprised that Jasper wasn't mad at him anymore. He had spent so long convincing himself that Jasper would never forgive him that hearing Jasper say he wasn't mad was a complete shock. His blue eyes honed in on Jasper as rested his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie. Watching Jasper run his fingers through his hair Ian randomly remembered when he had been able to do the same. The feeling of Jasper's sily black hair threading through his fingers and even the smell of it resonated in Ian's memory.

The next part was the part he dreaded. Ian tried to think about positive things, but for him that wasn't possible at the moment. Just listening to how Jasper had phrased the sentence it sounded like he had thought about breaking up with Ian. Not that Ian would have expected anything else. With the next statement Ian was more than a little shocked. He was speechless. What was he supposed to say to that? Ian could think in his head that he missed Jasper too, more than anything, but he wasnt sure how he was going to put it into words for Jasper. That would be the hard part and he knew it. He had thought that was the end of it, but it appeared that Jasper had more to say. Ian found himself hanging on Jasper's every word as if it were life or death. For him it was.

Because Ian didn't want to totally screw the moment up he didn't say anything. He simply walked over to where Jasper sat on the bed, knelt down. Slowly Ian wrapped his arms around Jasper's, resting his head against Jasper's abomen. No words had come to his head. Ian couldn't think of anything to say. Was there anything that he could say without ruining the moment that was built up. He desperately needed the moment to stay in tact. For his sanity he needed Jasper there and if he said something stupid... Ian didn't want to risk it. Eventually he would have to, though. He would have to quit sulking about it and talk to Jasper. That would be the best thing to do and he knew that. As Ian just hugged Jasper he tried to think of something to say. He was never strong with words, but paint. Ian could paint a conversation better than he could ever have one.

"Jasper," Ian started softly, "You're real, right? You're really here, in my room, saying these things? I'm not dreaming?" If it was a dream, then it was a very realistic one. But it was only in his dreams that he thought he would have his Jasper back. Of course, Jasper hadn't necessarily said he was back for good. But Ian didn't care. He loved Jasper and wanted him to always be there no matter what. Again, Ian was being selfish. "I thought that I had... that I had lost you." He said, his voice broken, "I want that feeling too, Jasp, but I selfishly want to keep you for more than a second."

---

word count: 961
status: jasper
music: against all odds by phil collins
ooc: -.-

A small smile managed to find its way to Ian's thin lips as Jasper ran his hand through his hair. It made him feel like things were so close to being back to normal, yet at the same time he knew that things were far from being 'normal' again. This was something that Ian was willing to work for, though. He wouldn't ever put himself in a position again where Jasper would have to make the decision he had to make this time. Ian had been weak and in a tough spot with Theo that night. He hadn't intended on kissing Theo, but it had came down to the point where Ian had to make a decision to either tell Theo right then and lose his best friend or not tell him and come up with a diversion. Unfortunately, Ian ended up doing both and he hadn't seen or spoken to Theo since. Not that Theo would like to speak to him. He shoved those thoughts into another part of his mond and focused on the hand that was running through his hair.

"I might need a pinch, just in case." Ian said softly. The moment seemed way too real to be a dream and Ian was or had been a fan of being on the positive side of things. He didn't want to believe that Jasper was only in his dreams. It would hurt him so much to wake up alone, without Jasper, than it would to just dream forever about being with Jasper. He couldn't bear the idea of losing Jasper. In Ian's mind he did think of Jasper breaking up with him as losing him for good. It wasn't a healthy way for the boy to think, but he couldn't help it. Besides art, Jasper was his life. Even Ian had at one point thought that it was extreme to think that, but he couldn't deny that he did. Honestly, if Ian had to choose between having friends and being with Jasper... he would choose being with Jasper.

As Jasper's hand moved down to his cheek, Ian knew that Jasper had understood the context that he had meant that statement to be in. Relief flooded through him at Jasper’s words. Jasper would never leave him over something so stupid. After admitting that he selfishly wanted Jasper for himself he was glad that Jasper answered the way he did. The small kiss placed on his head was enough to make him forget his doubts about everything. Ian knew at that point that Jasper was still his and he was still Jasper’s and that was how things needed to be. As Jasper began to sit back up, Ian reveled in the amazing warm feeling that Jasper was giving him just by gently stroking his cheek. It was when Jasper spoke that Ian felt his doubts creeping back in. There was still something that needed to be fixed. Ian should have assumed as much.

Ian wanted to know what it was. He wanted to fix it right away. If this made Jasper unhappy, then he would do whatever he could to make sure Jasper was happy again. All that really mattered to Ian at the moment was Jasper’s happiness. Jasper’s serious tone showed him just how important it was that whatever it was needed to be fixed. Ian looked up, awaiting Jasper to say what it was that he needed to fix. When Jasper finally said it Ian felt like he had just received a verbal slap in the face. He wasn’t upset or offended, just shocked. He wanted to argue that he didn’t need art to be completely happy, but that would be a lie. Ian knew he needed art. His art was that very thing that kept his parents alive to him. And now painting seemed so much more important, just because Jasper wants him to paint too. If Ian were to say no he would not only be disappointing his parents, but he would be hurting Jasper. Doing both of those at the same time… again… was out of the question.

“Okay,” Ian said quietly, “I’ll start painting again.” Suddenly Ian thought it might be a good idea to at least explain why he had quit painting in the first place, though that reason no longer existed. “I stopped painting because I lost it. Looking at a painting made me cringe. The moment I tried to paint something my mind was blank. It was like the very part of my soul that willed me to paint was absent. That was the first time I had ever left the canvas empty. So I took everything down and put them in the closet. There was only one that I kept out.” Ian shifted away from Jasper only for a moment as he walked over to the side of his bed. His thudding footsteps had momentarily caused Roscoe to raise his head, but upon seeing nothing interesting laid his head back down. Bending down Ian grabbed a canvas and held it as he walked back so that Jasper couldn’t see what it was right away.

Sitting down next to Jasper on the bed, he turned the canvas so that Jasper could see the very painting that he had made when he first came to Ian’s room. It was the one painting that didn’t make Ian sick to look at. In fact, it was placed by his bed to he could look at it. Ian leaned over and gently kissed Jasper’s cheek, “This one never made it to the closet. Now that my inspiration is back,” Ian said with a small smile as he reached down and held Jasper’s hand in his. “I feel like I could repaint the freaking Sistine Chapel.”

---

word count: 961
status: jasp :]
music: love fool by the cardigans
ooc: d’aww, they’re back!

A small smile formed when Jasper squeezed his hand. Ian was glad that Jasper liked it or at least seemed to like the fact that Ian hadn’t completely gotten rid of the artsy part of his life. There was a silence that fell between them, which kind of worried Ian. He couldn’t tell what Jasper was thinking and he didn’t want to assume something and assume wrong. Ian tilted his head, waiting for a reaction, any reaction at that. Something had to be wrong. The expression on Jasper’s face told him that something weird was going on. His breath caught in his throat as he contemplated saying something. Ian watched and waited, carefully analyzing Jasper’s facial expression. Fear seized his mind, making him wonder if this meant something bad. Could Jasper be thinking about taking it all back? What if Jasper were to change his mind? Would Jasper decide that it wasn’t worth the possibility of a repeat action? The silence felt like it was gripping him by the throat, but that was when Ian remembered that he had been holding his breath.

Upon seeing the tears travel slowly down Jasper’s cheek Ian released the breath, though it didn’t come out as a sigh. Ian wasn’t sure what to think. Jasper had never cried in front of him, not even when talking about his little brother. This was something that Ian had never seen nor expected to see. Ian was the one that was supposed to be the emotional wreck, not Jasper. But Ian didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. There were times when crying was a good thing and all he could do was hope that this was a good thing. Ian hoped that Jasper would say something to put his wrestles spirit at ease. Finally Jasper spoke. Ian wasn’t completely sure of what to make of those words. To Ian it sounded like Jasper was in despair, but he thought harder and realized that it must be something else. He refused to let go of Jasper’s hand, just because that was the only physical connection he had with Jasper at the moment and if it did turn out to be along the lines of Ian’s worst fear, then he would make sure Jasper knew he would never let go.

Ian bit his lower lip gently as Jasper accused him of making him cry. Honestly Ian wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry with him. He felt like he could do both. Jasper was right, though. It was a lot to take in. Even Ian knew that. But Ian was a lot more used to feelings and such than Jasper was. Jasper’s last statement proved to Ian that he had worried about nothing. He knew that he knew exactly what Jasper meant. In the few weeks of being separated from Jasper Ian had felt empty inside. Ian had never hated himself so much as he did in that short amount of time that felt like an eternity of being away from Jasper. Even as Jasper kissed him, Ian stared in shock. He wasn’t sure how to react, which was a first for Ian. Ian was usually the guy that would act on impulse, but this was all a little too shocking for his impulse action to kick in. It finally registered in Ian’s head that it was his job to make Jasper happy. It was a job Ian would enjoy.

A smile finally curled upon Ian’s lips as he raised his free hand and brushed Jasper’s hair back with his finger tips and finally resting his hand on the boy’s cheek. “I know exactly what you mean.” He said softly, “I promise that you won’t have to feel like you’re a mess again…not while I’m around.” This was a promise that Ian was determined to keep. Until the day that he died he would be sure that Jasper remained happy. Whatever the future held would have to come face to face with Ian. Leaning forward Ian caught Jasper’s lips with his. He didn’t hold it for too long. It was more like a gentle peck. Ian moved so that he could lean the painting against his dresser. He then moved back on his bed toward his pillow. Ian had yet to let go of Jasper’s hand. He tugged Jasper’s arm slightly to get Jasper to join him further up on the bed.

It really seemed like everything was going to be okay for him and Jasper. Ian liked to think that they could be happy again. REALLY HAPPY. He closed his eyes, thinking about how wonderful it really was to have Jasper back. Ian didn’t want to ever screw up again. Of course, Ian wasn’t perfect and he never would be, but he would do his best. This time it was going to be different. Ian was determined to be the boy friend Jasper needed.